Breakdown..

I had one of those days today. It was my nephew Drakes' 4th birthday party today, as well as a birthday celebration for my nieces Shelby and Alyssa. Reiko's right leg has been sore, fractured somewhere in the tibia I am thinking, no point in an xray now since tuesday he will have xrays and a Bone Density Scan. You see everytime there is a family event, derek and I really don't get to truly enjoy them, there is the constant worry someone bumping into Reiko, someone tripping and hurting him, something breaking. just a constant worry. We live on eggshells just waiting for the cry, and Reiko doesn't understand why he can't go on the floor like he does at home and he gets very angry with us. Not to mention he is also due for his Zolendronate treatment and he probably is in a crazy amount of bone pain. Well we were trying tp put him in his seat to eat and of course he lets out the cry, and honestly I just lost it, I went to the car to get some morphine and just couldn't hold it together, in front of the family as well, first I made derek take over with Reiko while I went into the bathroom and just cried for about 5 minutes before someone knocked, then I went out tried to pull myself together but couldn't so my sister told me to come out to the garage and I just cried hard into her shoulder. Its so hard some days, so badly we just want to have a normal day, I wish we could have the days we had before, where we went somewhere and didn't worry, we felt at ease and could just enjoy the time with family, but now its constant stress and worry...and sadness for me. I wish I could see him play with his cousins, and just enjoy his time with them, but instead he is stuck being held or in a seat watching the action. No one understands the heartache I feel seeing him want to play with them and he can't, and to see him fracture all the time just kills me. I just love him so much and would do anything for him, its just really really hard. I'm just talking out my ass right now. I don't even know how to end this post tonight. so I'll just say goodnight and please pray or send some good thoughts to Reiko.