After a 2 week hiatus we had Zumba again, unfortunately for the last time until January, that is if we can afford for me to attend another 6 weeks of classes. It is alot of fun and a good hard workout. My teacher Stacey is a ball of energy and such a positive wonderful person. I was talking to Stacey and some of the other ladies tonight about Reiko, and they just kept saying how they don't know how I do it, but in all honesty, how could I choose not to? We either had the choice to have this wonderful little child in our lives or not, but we were in love with him the day we found out we were expecting. Taking care of him is what I am here for, and I am lucky for it. Not for the disease of course, because I do hate every part of this disease, I think it is terribly unfair for him to have this, but he is worth it, he is my baby, and he makes me a better person everyday. It got me thinking on the way home, you know the 3 second walk from my house to the dance studio lol, but I was thinking how far I had come in accepting him disease. I will take you back to Reiko at 4 days old, Derek and I were staying at a hotel in London courtesy of the Ronald McDonald House, Derek told me he had saw a sign for parent support group for that evening at the hospital, since I was going to visit Reiko anyways he said I should attend the meeting. At that time I barely knew anything about OI, all I knew was it was breaking my babies bones. In the support group it was about 5 families, everybody else was there for their premature babies, even the books we were given were for parents of premature babies, that was just one hard part, realising that I was alone in what I was going through..then we got to talking and one man inadvertantly said regarding how the nurses handled the babies "We just have to remember, we can't break out babies". That was it, that was the straw...I ran out crying into the hallway of the hospital, crying so loud but barely able to contain myself, one of the co-ordinators came out apologizing profusley for the mans words, I knew I could not be angry with him, he had his own set of problems, a baby born at 25 weeks has to be extremely hard too. I went to a quiet room to bawl my eyes out some more, then mustered up some courage to go back to the class, I was embarrassed but realised that the other parents had been in vulnerable situations themselves. When I went back in, not even 5 minutes later the same man said the same thing again..needless to say, I could not wait for the program to end. I never went back to the another program, I really didn't feel like I could relate to them, even with their children in the same NICU. The next day, I phoned my mother and cryed harder than I ever have in my life, I didn't know how to go on, how to live and how to be a mother to Reiko or Kai, I felt like I was a horrible mother to Kai because he was being sent back and forth from grandparents for most of the 5 weeks Reiko was in the hospital, mainly because I could not deal with my anger/heartache and his being a normal 2 year old. I banged my fists on the tables all the while just sobbing loudly to my mother on the phone over an hour away, she offered that second to come up and help me, she wanted to be there for me, and eventually we ended the phone call, me knowing that I just had to get through that day ahead of me and my mother heartbroken over hearing her youngest child completely lost and sad. Now things are getting easier, I don't cry hardly ever, although I know there will always be alot more, and I can talk about it to other people, maybe in hopes that when they see their children that night they may hug them alittle more tighter and realise how lucky they are to not watch their children hurt all the time, get sick all the time or worry about what will happen not only the next day but within the next minutes.
Poor Kai has a nasty little cough/cold that seems to be keeping him up, he is crying alittle bit and just wanting his mommy..I think even with Derek home tonight it will be along night for both of us. Ok enough ramblings.. good night all
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